Okay my title is a dirty lie; the flight had it’s moments. Here’s a breakdown of events based on notes I made at the time. Disclaimer: things might get a little squirrely

Stage One: Toronto to Vancouver.

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We said goodbye to our parents and then proceeded to walk away without looking back, because we’re badass like that.

8:30pm EST
Once we were on the plane, I settled in and watched “White House Down”, aka the other Whitehouse takeover movie of summer 2013. Lesson: Whatever you do, don’t ever mess with Jamie fox’s Air Jordans.

9:30pm EST
I looked across the aisle at Cam.

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No words.

Sufficiently traumatized I turned to a bag of chocolate treats for solace. Of course I epically fail at tearing along perforated lines. No knife, no scissors, I did what any  desperate man would. Grabbed a pen.

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Prison rules, baby!

11:30pm EST
Put on “Pain and Gain”. Jacked Markey Mark acting like a knob.

11:50pm EST
I realize I’m wired. Eating a whole bag of chocolate was probably a bad call.

1am EST
Landed in Vancouver

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Like I said. Squirrely.

Stage Two: Vancouver to Sydney

430 am EST

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13 hrs left in flight. At this point I’m losing track of time. The plan is to stay awake until about 10pm Sydney time to help with the jet lag.

5am (9pm Sydney time)
This is a stupid idea, I’m going to sleep.

Time unknown:
Air Canada doesn’t agree with me. An announcement blasts over the loudspeakers every time I doze off. It’s like some sort of newfangled Chinese torture.

Seriously, what time is it? :
Dilerium is setting in. That “Cage the Elephant” song starts running through my head. ‘There ain’t no rest for the wicked’… Please, Babe, just tell me what I did wrong so I can profusely apologize and get some rest *sob*

And who designed these airplane blankets anyway? You have the option of warming your toes or shielding your upper body from the incessant gail-force winds blasting from the fan above you, but “you must choose one!” (insert maniacal laughter)

2pm EST
I have reached a zen-like Yoda state. Time means nothing. 4 hours left in the flight. Pffft 4 hours.

9am Sydney time:
Praise be to all things holy, we have arrived. Bring on invasive security checks, just get me off this flying soul-sucker.

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*next post: sidewalk shenanigans, pee troughs, and other first day observations. Plus, German girls.

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