Sitting here waiting for another Greyhound trip North I’ve decided it’s time for another hilarious edition of Adventures With Danger Dave (trademarked). You may be thinking, “Gee DD, you sure seem to spend a lot of time talking about the bus”, and you wouldn’t be incorrect. Sadly, the truth is that I’m just too busy turning into milk chocolate on the beach to bother writing any other time than when I’m on one, so that’s why I keep talking about it like some terrible ex girlfriend.

Anyway, on to story time:

Our first stop post-Byron was a crazy little place called Surfer’s Paradise. Think Niagara Falls on a beautiful tropical beach. Or, you know, Miami. All three of these places are strangely similar, right down to the gimmicky little tourist attractions like the wax museum, haunted house, and the Ripley’s Believe it or Not. It’s actually a little uncanny how similar it felt to The Falls.
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A number of people told us just to skip Surfer’s, but opinions are like onions, and all onions have layers and are … Deep? Interesting? Or something. I’m trying to say we respect your opinion, but it’s probably wrong not the same as ours.

Having said that, after two days we realized that those people weren’t necessarily incorrect. Neat place to check out for a day or two, but you definitely don’t need any longer.

Our next stop was the city of Brisbane, which we were also told to skip. Stupid opinion onions. Obviously we chose not to listen again, and this time we were so glad we didn’t. The hostel we stayed at wasn’t fantastic by any stretch of the imagination, but the bar did serve those three litre beers I mentioned in the last post, so that was a bonus.

We stayed in the 20 bed dorm room, aptly dubbed “the jungle”. The room itself was actually not terrible, but dear lord the beds were a different story. Every little movement caused a series of squeaks, creaks, and groans reminiscent of noises found only in the most depraved pornos. Twenty people tossing and turning throughout the night was like a thousand bunnies in the height of a particularly violent mating session. And I’m just choosing to assume that the noises were caused by tossing and turning only. Ignorance is bliss, yo. *shudder*

On one of our days in Brisbane we went on a snorkeling and sand-sledding trip to Moreton Island, the third largest sand island in the world.
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After snorkeling around the wrecks of old whaling vessels we went inland to a series of massive sand dunes and proceeded to toboggan down them. Who says you need snow to do wintery things?

This was a lot of fun, but man, sand errywhere. Seriously, that fine ass demon dust got into places I didn’t know existed. I swear I’m still farting out sand. Either that or I’m about to die.
Regardless, cool day!

Another day we were in Brisbane, we did our typical exploring shtick. The city has an interesting look; similar to Sydney, but smaller. It was very comfortable to walk around, even when we got completely turned around. I would blame the map for being a terrible representation of the city, but let’s be honest here, we were probably just staggering around in our usual dazed stupor and missed a turn. Maps aren’t really our thing.

When we left Brisbane we both wished we had booked longer, but the beachside town of Noosa was calling. In Noosa we stayed at a hostel that was recommended to us by a girl we met in Brisbane. At this point I don’t even know why we keep asking people for their thoughts. Opinions are awful!

To be fair, the hostel wasn’t actually all that bad, but some turd(s) were thieving people’s food. I can think of little more frustrating than that. People man, people! It’s probably a good thing Cam never found out who stole his pepper grinder. Murder cover-up isn’t exactly high on my Aussie to-do list. If I’ve learned one thing thus far, it is if one values their life, they’d better not even think about messing with Cam’s food. Bro is crazy, I’m telling you.

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They also had air-hockey. Bonus.

The town of Noosa is like a smaller scale Byron Bay. It’s a beautiful beach town, but has less of the party atmosphere. What it does have is some of the most acrobatic wildlife I have ever seen. I’m talking of course about the Australian bush turkey.

I don’t know if it’s something in the Noosa water or if all Australian turkeys are this nimble, but these things were nuts. I mean, they can’t even fly and yet they are able to scale buildings and trees just by hopping from one slightly lower perch to the next. It’s like something out of Super Mario or Assassin’s Creed. Seriously. Ninja turkeys. Crazy.

One of the cool things about the hostel we stayed at is how almost every day there was some free activity or tour of places in and around Noosa. The one day we went to a rope swing set up by one of the rivers. After carefully studying the art of performing graceful acrobatics off of the rope, as demonstrated by 8 year old Aussies, I decided I was ready.

I climbed the tree, grasped the rope tightly in my hands, and pushed off, rocketed forward at an impossibly blistering speed, expertly released the rope at the pinnacle of its arc, and performed a dizzying one and a half rotations before plummeting into the water with all the grace of a majestic water fowl… Literally landing full force of the side of my face and ear. Another perfect stunt executed by Danger Dave.

Another day we grabbed a couple of tandem kayaks with some friends and went for a leisurely paddle around another river system. Notable moments of this excursion include:
– Cam spraying me with roughly 12 litres of water every third stroke
– getting our kayak stuck in the nastiest, muddiest part of the river because we “have to see how far it goes!”
– having a large sting ray almost jump into my lap. I swear my shriek was as manly as possible, and Cam only peed himself a little.

We left our hostel after a week and treked to Gagaju Bush Camp to do an everglades canoe tour. Something about paddling down a quiet river for hours on end turns Cam into a philosopher. I figure if we’d been there a few more days he would have solved the meaning of life.
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At night there was a combination of fire and drunk people that caused Cam to transform into his superhero alter ego, Fire Marshal Cam.
“But fires are fun, Fire Marshal Cam!”
“You’re right, kids, fires are fun, but so is not lighting yourself on fire, so let’s be safe!” *thumbs up fist pump*

After the bush tour it was back to Noosa for a couple of mosquito-free days before our trip to Rainbow Beach and our Fraser Island tour. More on those shenanigans next time.

Some other random things (S. O. R. T’s) :

– My ebook reader randomly decided to reset itself to factory default. Damn you technology, damn you! Now I have to use a flashlight to read in the dark like some pleb.

– Ugg stores everywhere. And I mean everywhere. We counted 3 within 50 metres of one another in Surfer’s Paradise.

– I’ve been asked 3 times If I was Australian. Incidentally this is the same number of times Cam has been hit on by men. He’s growing a little concerned about this.

– Don’t play Candy Crush. That soul sucking game is more addictive than real candy and far less enjoyable. I think it’s turned me into a masochistic.

– “How you going?” Grammar, Australians, grammar! I am DOING well, thank you. Gahd.

Next post: Fraser Island, Team Western, dingos, stars and phosphorescent algae.

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